Vibrance
by fanficsawaityou
Summary: Soulmates AU. You are excited about finally finding colour in the world, but unfortunately both Cassian and yourself are idiots when it comes to love.
1. Chapter 1

**Note: I am Australian, colour has a 'u', grey has an 'e', and you can fight me. in this universe, you can see colour until you hit puberty and then again when you find your soulmate (just I don't have to do the 'wait what is that? blood orange, periwinkle?' 'yeah idk dude'). Also, colour doesn't just appear when you touch/see them, it's more as you fall in love kinda thing i think.**

* * *

"What the FUCK?!" A flash of _something_ slides across your sight, temporarily blinding you.

You rub your eyes, your vision dancing in the wake of seeing the true colour of a flight suit for the first time in over a decade. You freeze as the significance of the fact suddenly dawns and you sharply turn around, hoping to glimpse it again, but the world is simply greyscale. Saddened, you dismiss it as exhaustion but a creeping emotion in your stomach that feels suspiciously like excitement refuses to be extinguished.

"You alright, Y/N?" Cassian's voice surprises you enough that you let out a little shriek before turning around.

He raises an eyebrow in response and question as you smooth your hair back. _Nicely done, Y/N_. You clear your throat and, to satisfy your own curiosity (and cater to your dreams), you clap him on the shoulder before you respond.

No more colour springs forth but somehow you keep the disappointment from your voice, "Yeah, I'm fine."

Cassian's eyebrow remains firmly in place as he regards your hand on his shoulder. Feeling like a Class A idiot, you remove your hand and stuff it in your jumpsuit pocket. Unfortunately, your act is slightly too vigorous and a spanner flies out onto the floor along with various spare parts from the engine you had been working on earlier. You stand still for a moment, hand over your eyes and a red shadow covering your cheers, basking in the fact that today was going to be one of _those_ days. Sighing, you crouch down to collect your equipment and subsequently miss the bright smile that stretches across Cassian's face before he kneels to help you.

"It's one of those days, right?" His words are light enough that your embarrassment starts to subside even as you nod.

He looks you in the eye and he seems confused, startled, for a moment. Cassian moves to speak but someone calls him from across the hangar and the moment draws to a close. Somewhat reluctantly, he hands you a carburettor, winks, and strides away. You watch the sway of Cassian's shoulders as he walks and suddenly wish to the Maker that you could still the racing of your heart.

* * *

Either you are going insane (it's not out of the question) or you're seeing _blue_. It is a single flower, faltering in the breeze against a slate-coloured hillside. It is fragile with its petals struggling against the wind but it's definite and tangible and unquestionably **blue**.

You drop to the ground next to it, using your body to shield it from the worst of the wind. Giggling to yourself, you roll over to rest your head next to it. _Maybe I should pick it for Cassian_. As soon as the thought occurs to you, you groan at your own infatuation and screw up your eyes in embarrassment. _1\. You can't just give Cassian a flower. 2. He's not really a flower kind of guy. 3. Who wants a grey flower? 4. I need to get around to finding my actual soulmate._ Feeling remarkably disheartened, you move to get up and slowly open your eyes.

You can't believe you had forgotten how beautiful the sky was.

Deep, breathable, vivid, overwhelming blue stretches away in every direction tapering away to shades you can't name. Sapphires bloom in faraway trees that you didn't know even had flowers and the contrast of the clouds against the heavens makes you want to reach up to touch them. Birds and butterflies and blossoms you had never noticed shine out to you in a washed-out world. Suddenly a laugh escapes from your chest then another and another because you're worried that if you don't, you'll start crying.

You stare for minutes (maybe hours, you're not sure) when abruptly a mission alert sounds from your transmitter. Groaning, you blink and unsteadily climb to your feet. Even as you walk, you keep staring up, afraid that if you look away it'll disappear. But it doesn't. The blue has come to stay. The colour only cuts off when you reluctantly step into the hangar but even then it still finds a way in through the detailings of ships, clothing, and, to your surprise, your fellow rebels' eyes. You have a feeling that there will be questions to answer later after you grab a passing Anomid and spend what must have been a minute complimenting their eyes.

* * *

You're flustered and late when you eventually arrive at the mission briefing. Cassian pauses and looks at you questioningly before resuming. Despite your usual attentiveness to his words, your eyes wander the room to pick up any hidden snatches of colour. It's only when everyone stands to leave do you realise that you haven't absorbed a single word; from Cassian's crossed arms, you figure he knows this already.

"Was I boring you, Y/N?"

"No, of course not."

"Then you can you tell me the mission objective?"

"…"

"Or even the planet that the mission is occurring on?"

"…Sorry, Cassian."

He sits on the table next to your chair and uses his hand to tilt your chin upwards. He's searching your eyes for something that he doesn't seem to find, but honestly you're just disappointed that you can't see the colour of his eyes.

Eventually he releases you and speaks, "What's happening to you?"

You hesitate for a moment before your cheerfulness gets the better of you, "Well, I didn't want to say anything until I was sure but… I've got a soulmate and they're somewhere on base! Cassian, I can see **blue**!"

However you're expecting to him to react, you are inexplicably crushed with his careful response, "Oh? Blue, you say?"

Not trusting yourself to speak, you nod. Absentmindedly, Cassian stares in the distance and you can almost seeing his cogs turning.

"You only see blue?"

Again, you nod.

"And it's your first colour?"

You're done with this. "Yes, Cassian, but it **doesn't** **matter** because I don't know _who_ they are. Now, if you'll excuse me."

The tone is sharp enough to break his daze but it's too late because you're already halfway out the exit.

* * *

Slowly, Cassian rises to his feet and walks to close the meeting room's door. The latch of the door slides into place and suddenly his excitement can't be contained. A smile that would rival a new star grows across his face as a new thought fills his mind.

 _Maybe, just_ ** _maybe_** _._


	2. Chapter 2

You take every opportunity you can get to escape outside. Every day more colours are beginning to bloom and you're remembering what true beauty looks like for the first time in years. Blue remains to be your favourite; the vase of cobalt Astorian blossoms you keep on your bedside table is testament to this. However, as much as you love the sky, you really wish you could figure out who the _hell_ your soulmate is as you're at an absolute, fucking loss. Cassian keeps hopefully skipping into your thoughts, but you push him aside every time; that was a dangerous road to go down. Ahmed Sol maybe? You mean, he was _handsome_ (very much so) but there was no chemistry so surely not. It could be Alex from Tactical, but you figured that was unlikely given the fact that you two were only newly friends.

Who the _fuck_ could it be?

You blow the hair out of your eyes in frustration before you jolt upright, nearly falling, at the voice calling from the ground below, "Y/N, should I even ask what you're doing?"

You grasp a tree branch and swing slightly to appraise Cassian before responding, "No. I'm doing exactly what I look like I'm doing."

"Swinging from a tree like an Endor Howler Monkey? I mean, fair enough."

You roll your eyes and sit back against the trunk, "Sure buddy, whatever makes you happy."

He doesn't respond and you think you've pissed him off until the strong rustling of leaves tells you otherwise. You open your eyes and look down to see him just below you.

"Are you going to help me up?"

"No. This branch will break clean off if I pull your ass up here. Find your own."

He stares up at you for a moment like he's going to pull you off. You grasp the tree tighter but Cassian then hops slightly and pulls himself up to the branch right of you. Your breath hitches slightly at the strip of bronzed skin that peaks out from underneath his shirt and the muscles of his arms under strain. You quickly find something of immense interest off to your left while you wait for the blood that's rushed to your face to cool.

"Did I say something to offend you?"

You're surprised, "No, I thought I saw a f-"

"Not today, just in general Y/N."

Confusion painted across your features, you turn to Cassian. He is visibly concerned and your heart drops in guilt. In your mess of finding your soulmate, you had been distracted and even avoiding Cassian because he made the whole fiasco even more baffling.

"No, of course not. I've just been busy trying to find my s-"

"Soulmate, I know. Was that it? I wasn't trying to be dismissive, I promise."

"I know, Cassian. I… I've just been busy, you know? Like, this part is supposed to be easy. I've found the person, technically, so it should be smooth flying but here we are!" You gesture to the world around you in frustration and sit back.

"So you still haven't found them?"

You fight the irritation growing in your stomach, "No Cassian, I haven't - evidently."

"You're right, sorry. It's just… surely you have a guess?"

Your tongue considers his name but mercifully your brain catches on first, "Ahmed Sol? I mean, he's always finding excuses to walk me places."

"The fact that he's handsome doesn't hurt either, does it?" His words are joking, light, but Cassian's tone is brittle.

 _Who do you think you are, Cassian Andor_ … _Two can play this game_.

"I mean, you're not wrong; his lieutenant's uniform is definitely a bonus… Maybe I should go see him before procedures this evening," you look off into the distance in what you hope looks like a dreamy fashion.

A minute passes before he responds, "But he would have said something by now surely if he's as enamoured as you say."

"I never said 'enamoured'. What's your problem, you're the one who asked me to guess."

"Yeah, I just never thought you'd say Sol of all people."

"Oh _sorry_ , your highness. Who would you recommend then?"

The silence is heavy, ugly, and you wonder how everything had gone wrong so quickly.

"… It's been weeks, Y/N. Surely you should know by now."

The calm snaps.

"Do you think I'm making this up? Really, Cass?!"

His examination shouldn't bother you but oh Maker, it really does. Every stabbing little comment is a reminder that it's not _him_. Or more to the point, that it was Cassian but he didn't feel the same. You push yourself from the branch and the thought from your mind. You would **not walk that path**. Not today, not ever.

"Of course I don't mean that Y/-"

"Whatever, Cassian," you land with a quiet thump, "Can we just promise to never talk about this again?"

"Why, Y/N?"

You spin back around and look up so you can stare him down, "Why?! Because you keep making these _needling_ , fucking **irritating** comments like this has anything to do with you! Cassian, if you spent half the energy you've been using on interrogating me on finding your own soulmate, maybe you'd actually have someone."

The aftertaste of regret is instantaneous and potent. You turn away immediately, trying to blink away the furious tears building in your eyes. _What were you thinking?!_ Unfortunately, the thud of boots follows only seconds later.

Cassian's voice calls as clear as day, "Really, Y/N?! I'm only asking because I give a shit. Also, you're the one who came to _me_ about this! Either way, it doesn't matter. I do have someone, Y/N, you just never bothered to ask."

Your tracks stop dead.

 **No.**

He wheels in front of you and crosses his arms as he waits for your response, anger plain across his face. Not that it matters.

You are caving in like a shallow promise under pressure. Your eyes are burning and colours are flashing in and out of focus, mimicking your heartbeat. It feels like there's nothing left in the world to say but _how could I have been so_ ** _stupid_** _!_. It feels like Cassian has taken a knife and cut open your ribs, exposing your lungs to the sunshine. It feels like fire crystals are growing in the pit of your stomach, slowly burning you alive. It feels worse than you thought you were capable of.

So, you articulate these feelings as best as you are currently able.

"Bullshit."

His expression is incredulous, "Bullshit, really?! You hypocrite! Look, there's blue, yellow, green." His hands are erratically pointing around you.

You can't bring yourself to look, but deep down you know he's not lying. You shove past Cassian and throw a dismissive hand gesture over your shoulder. You hope this is the end of the conversation, because right now you need to be anywhere he's not. Unfortunately he has other ideas.

"You don't get to start this and then just run away, Y/N! Answer me, Y/N: what is your problem with me?!"

Your lightning-quick sorrow has swiftly turned back to anger and you stomp back towards him, stopping mere centimetres from him. His irises are golden chestnut, warm, flecked with amber and intoxicating; had you not already been drowning in anger, you would have been tempted to try in his eyes.

"I've already told you my problem, Cassian. I don't like all your ques-"

"To quote you, Y/N, 'bullshit'! I _know_ you and that's not it! What. Is. Your. Problem. With. Me?!"

"I love you, alright! I love you Cassian!"


	3. Chapter 3

Anger has always been one of your shortcomings but never before had it betrayed you so completely. You feel too hot while simultaneously faint, and the blood is draining from your face despite the fact that you're burning up. However, you're not going to collapse and you're not going to fall apart. Humiliated or not, you've come this far; there will never be a better time to get the truth out.

"I… I have been in love with you for _months_ , Cassian, but for what?! You don't love me back. And I can't ask you to love me **back** because you obviously have someone else and it can't be me because _you knew_. So **forgive me** if I come off cold or distracted, but you have _no idea_ what it's like to have a soulmate that will never love you back! I'm a fighter, I know I'm supposed to just soldier on, but this—" you gesture between the two of you— "is _breaking_ me."

You cut off with a crack in your voice. You can't bring yourself to look at Cassian but the silence feels damning.

You sigh and cover your eyes with your hands, "So… If we could forget all about this, that'd be _fantastic_ … I don't know, I'll get myself transferred to another station or something…"

You step back to leave when Cassian's hand darts out to grab your wrist. You freeze in shock.

"Why would you do that?" His voice is cool, inquisitive, but by the Maker it just makes you angrier.

"Why?! Why would I, the **idiot** who just proclaimed her love to you, the person who doesn't love her back, want to leave?! _Really_ , I _wonder_."

"Y/N, let me speak," Cassian is calm and collected, completely in control of himself.

It's fucking infuriating.

"No! I don't want your pity, Cassian! I was happy to leave the matter alone and to try to live my life but you dredged up all this. I was trying to distance myself from you so I could try and cope, and you- you just won't leave me be! Leave me alone, Cassian!"

You throw his hand off your wrist and storm off. You feel thunderous, furious and ready to crack. You're not kidding about being reassigned; right now, you need to be anywhere that _he_ is not. You are not a half of a whole and you refuse to fall apart because your true love is not meant to be. _You are a rebel_ , you think intensely, _you don't even have time for love_.

* * *

Cassian watches you stamp away and curses himself. Again, he had let his insecurity and temper get the better of him. There's no point chasing you now, you have no interest in listening to **him.** In the distance, you disappear into the crowds and Cassian finally realises how close he is to losing you. It is a thoroughly unsettling feeling.

"How the fuck do I fix this?" The words hang unanswered and unpromising in the air.

* * *

You spend the next day rigorously and absolutely avoiding him. You stay confined to uncommon routes around the compound, make excuses of illness, and ignore your schedule. After finding the walls of your room claustrophobic, you creep up to the roof of the compound. It's old, crumbling and difficult to climb, but the challenge is welcome. Sweating and out of breath, you collapse on an even slab of rock and take in the fading sky. The colours are inexplicable and irresistibly bewitching, there are so many that you have forgotten the names for most of them. Eventually, you drag your attention back to the holopad before you. 'Request for Transfer' is bold across the screen but you can't yet bring yourself to send the application. If you did, that would be the end of Cassian for you. This is a dangerous business with a survival rate that plummets everyday; your goodbye to him would likely be your final one. Could you live with that? Did you even want to?

You groan and rest your head in your hands. Life is fleeting and unpredictable; were you better off staying here and spending what time you could with him, even if it wasn't the way you wanted it? Or should you leave and try to scrape together some kind of proper happiness? Your head is so full of questions and anxiety that you don't notice that company has arrived.

"So you're actually leaving?" Cassian's voice is defeated and tired.

You spin to face him, suddenly feeling inexplicably ashamed and embarrassed. You force down your unease and turn back to look at the holopad.

"So what if I am? What's it matter to you?" the words sound misleadingly like statements, but you are praying he answers them as questions.

You need to know what you mean to him, it's driving you insane. He doesn't answer but simply sits flush against you, the warmth of his arm creeping up your side. A moment of silence passes.

"You know, I never appreciated the sky or how much I would miss its colours as a child," Cassian's words are soft, surprising.

You sneak a glance at him in the hopes of gauging what he's feeling, but his face is simply upturned towards the rosy sunset which casts a golden glow on his skin. You don't answer but just look down and fidget with your hands.

He continues, "I mean, just look at that, it's fucking _stunning_. I never realised how much it would come to mean to me; I just took it for granted and thought it would always be there. But it wasn't and it should have made me understand the price of taking the things I love for granted but it evidently didn't."

Your breath catches as you discern (hope, _pray_ ) that his words have deeper meaning.

"Y/N… you can't leave… Please don't leave."

You pause, are hesitant to break this moment, but your need for an answer gets the better of you.

Your voice is soft, "Why?"

"Because I love you."

 _oh_

"Because I've loved you for a year and I've been _praying_ that you would love me back. Because I was so terrified that you wouldn't. Because you mean the universe to me but I would never tell you just so you could find your actual soulmate, even if it wasn't me. Because I never meant to upset you, I just wanted to be sure that it was actually me before I told you. Because I'm a **fucking coward** for making you wait this long. Because I'm a **_fucking asshole_ **for telling you I could see colour the way I did. Because I don't know how much time I've got left but whatever it is, I want to spend it with you, Y/N," he stumbles, trips, over the words at time but they are full of so much feeling that you want to cry.

You look up to face Cassian and he's already facing you. He's staring at you like you don't even compare to the sky and you wonder how long this had been going on without you noticing. As he closes the distance between you, you decide you don't really care.


End file.
